Where I am at

So i met a friend whom I rarely talk to yesterday and she asked me ’how’s it going?’ – a simple and straightforward question and a courtesy most of us afford each other. And there I was, not knowing what to say. What did she know about my dialysis? If she knew then how much did she know? And where should I start?

And no, I didn’t ask her if she had read this blog until I had stood there for a while not knowing what to say or where to start. It turned out she had and suddenly I felt relief. It was so much easier to communicate when I found out she had. I might not be fully up to date and my readers might not have read all the latest. But still, there was that frame of reference. People who read it know most of what is going on and I need not start over with Adam and Eve.

So this is for Monica and for all the others who do read. Both for those of you who read sporadically and for those who think my words are infallible gospel (you might be on the right track but you are still the minority – but then again who knows what happens in 2000 years, we might rule the world by then)

I am still rolling with the self-cannulation thing. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes bad. Friday I struggled with both needles, the first one I punched straight through the vein making it pump out a lot of blood, potentially leading to a hematoma (also known as a bruise) that can prevent me from using that same hole, both that same day and for a while until the blood from the internal bleeding is gone. We put on some ice to make the bleeding stop and tried sticking somewhere else with no success. Finally we went back to the original place and it worked, there was no noticeable hematoma.

The other needle also acted up. I could feel how it didn’t feel right when I put it in and sure enough it acted up during the entire dialysis and I had to sit there and pull at it as if I was trying to pull it out. Whenever I did that I could make the machine run the blood through at a reasonable speed, which means that I am getting that much more blood cleaned in the 4 hours I am there.

I was also supposed to have a meeting with a representative from NxStage, my home machine, Friday. But she called in sick. So now I am hoping for sometime next week and then that will most likely be the subject of my next post.

2 thoughts on “Where I am at

  1. Usually the first question a person asks is “how are you feeling”, or “how are you.” Then the question is “what do you do” if they don’t know you, and the “what’s the weather like”. But the “how are you feeling” is what comes from a friend or a medical professional. These kinds of questions are usually trite and people may not even care to know the answer, but have been programmed to ask it. In this case it was from a friend or acquaintance. My typical answer is “fine” or “great” or something like that.

    We must remember that if we’re referring to condition or state of mind that we are all individuals and everything is relative. What’s feeling fine for me may not be for another. I may even feel differently from another person on dialysis. We all have different comobidities and handle them differently. I may be hyped over something happening in my life. I might be having a good day. I might have accomplished something. Or the opposite. I sometimes answer the question to satisfy myself without even thinking about the questioner. Their question might have been perfunctory, but my feeling only matter to myself. Find something going on in your life sop you can say “I’m feeling great”. Screw the other person – do it for yourself.

  2. Wow. You’re doing the needles yourself? I’ve heard of that being done in Europe, but not in America. My husband goes to a dialysis clinic. Right now home hemo just isn’t in the cards. Maybe someday.

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